Regular Life

Regular Life

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. – Robert Frost

Taking Away 120 Seconds

(Note: Things are tightening up in “Apartment Life Returns,” with Part Seven now ready)

A couple weeks ago, the doomsday clock got moved up two minutes. Scientists who study Armageddon (not that ridiculous movie) say that we have 120 fewer seconds to live on this planet.

I choose to look at it as a glass half-full scenario. That’s more gas I can burn, more trash I can throw away, more trees I can cut, without feeling bad about it.

Man, this is liberating.

I innocently walked into the break room with my homemade sandwich, planning to start reading the next book in “The Chronicles of Narnia,” but realized I didn’t have it. My stressed eyes knew that meant more time staring at this laptop screen. Then my ears heard the blaring television’s blurb about the doomsday clock.

What would you do if someone said, “You have two minutes less to live.”

I’m going to run yellow lights, pinch my wife’s butt for no reason, and fart out loud. I’m going to take a full hour just to shit, shower, shave, and scarf down a bowl of cereal before going to work. If I’m running late, I’m going to put milk in one travel mug and cereal in another, and alternate pouring each into my mouth while driving, and screw how stupid other people think it looks.

Then I’m going to start making some changes.

Seriously, who comes up with this timing of the end of the world? And what network covers it as news?

Oh, right, Fox News Channel. I should have known.

This should be a clue that all-day news channels are overkill. How many times do they need to show a tiny corporate jet circling an unknown airport because its landing gear malfunctioned?

Why, every time it happens, of course. Because that’s late-breaking news.

I just hope somebody tells the next pilot that he or she has 120 fewer seconds to land that plane, wheels or not.

13 Responses to Taking Away 120 Seconds

  1. Hmmmm now that’s a thought provoking question if I ever heard one!!!

    Hey, my comments are having a hard time being published today..!

  2. Hey, I liked Armageddon! (Liv Tyler may not have much upstairs, but she is teh hawt!) What I didn’t like was how many people took it at ALL seriously. “We can land on a spinning comet and function normally in 1/100th Earth gravity. Sure we can! Let’s drill a hole to the middle and slap a nuke in there too!”

    I’m all for pinching spousal butts for no reason. Mostly my own wife’s. But not necessarily only.

  3. This study is obviously put out by the same group that calculates the “most unpleasant day of the year.” I wonder if this new info will move that day up one.

  4. Two minutes. Man, I knew I should have gotten off that call with HP a little quicker.

  5. Two minutes less? Dammit, now I won’t have time to deliver my epic deathbed speach. My two minute and fifteen second speach will be rudely cut short at, “Gather close everyone. There’s one thing I need to tell you before I go that will change your lives forever. I ….”

    And cheers for butt pinching. I never really needed an excuse, but now that I have one as perfect as, “The world may end in two minutes,” I assure you I will use it.

  6. I’m with Simon (about Liv Tyler)… she’s HHOT!

  7. Dave – So, my question wasn’t enough to warrant your input, but Simon’s Liv Tyler entry brought you back for more?

    We all know how Dave’s mind works.

    Simon – I admit to having fun watching Armageddon, but when they started flying the shuttle like an F16 through the asteroid belt, I was a bit flummoxed.

    Josh – I’ve never heard of that one. Now I have something to Google. On my break, of course.

    Blitz – But then your blog would have suffered. Can’t do that.

    Moksha – Whoa. I’m sure those of use who survive you can finish the sentence, if not the entire speech.

  8. Really? Even I’m not sure how I was going to end my own deathbed speech.

    “I… hid two million dollars in cave”
    “I…am really the Crown Prince of Sealand, and that makes you heirs to my throne.”
    “I…blew my entire estate on coke and hookers, so there’s nothing left.”
    “I…had a secret love child with Liv Tyler”

    So many ways that speech could go if only I’d had 120 more seconds. What did you think I was going to say?

  9. Moksha – “I… regret that I never got all lubed up like Richard Simmons. No, strike that. With Richard Simmons.

  10. Actually, Mark, it’d have to be “I…regret that time I got all lubed up with Richard Simmons” But that’s a story that would take longer than two minutes to tell. So it’ll probably die with me. :)

  11. You guys don’t leave much unturned for the stragglers, do ya? Mark, I dunno what Shannons’s busy with today but you have a typo in your #7 comment to Moksha.
    Hate to nit-pick and run…

  12. The Doomsday Clock. That brings back all kinds of memories. One of the quasi-religious Sunday morning shows my dad used to watch would often start their program by letting people know where the minute hand on the Doomsday Clock was.

    Good stuff for the formative years!

  13. Alvis – How exactly are you not more screwed up than you are?


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