Bridesbane
Posted in Culture & Society, Marriage, Music, True Story on Mar 13th, 2008
I am not bad luck at weddings, no matter what my wife might tell you.
In the 15 years my wife and I have been married, we have attended and/or participated in 13 family weddings. Somewhat sadly, three of those family members stood at the altar more than once. Stay with me. I have graphs.
My wife and I can sing. She does it very well and has college-level training, while I manage to hit the right notes (within my humble range) with an untamed instrument. I was an English major in college and might be seen as someone who is more comfortable around poetry than the average reader (although unbeknownst to many I’m not a big fan of poetry in general). Our varying levels of talent have landed us roles in some of the aforementioned weddings. Note: I actively deny that invitations for me to do so at nothing besides family events is any indication of my skills.
Between solos only, duets only, and none, our level of participation has varied, and over the years Shannon has joked that any wedding where only she performed survived, while those I performed in have been put asunder.
That has changed dramatically, and I’m here to dispel the myth that my voice alone is like some kind of siren song luring all marriages to the rocks. To that end, I have sorted the family weddings into five categories:
- Attended Only
- Shannon and Mark Duet Only
- Shannon Solo Only
- Shannon Solo and Mark Reading
- Shannon Solo and Shannon and Mark Duet
In the process, I discovered that marriages have not fared well when either of us performed in any of the above combinations (Figure 1).
Figure 1
When we merely attended, however, the story is quite different. The divorce rate of those in which we had no active role is an admirable 14%, while those experiencing our midas touch have split at a national average-busting rate of 71% (Figure 2). Also worth noting is that many of those we merely attended were (at least) second marriages, which statistically survive at a lower rate than first marriages.*
Figure 2
Whoa. Note to unmarried family members: Happily invite us to attend your wedding, but under no circumstances ask us to pick up a microphone.
Remember, I’m counting only marriages that have initiated since Shannon and I have been married. If I went farther back than that, then the numbers would be even more grim.
Delving deeper, I looked at the weddings I have photographed. I found a trend my wife might not like when comparing our respective dooming powers. When speaking of family alone, two of the three are still a union. Of the combined seven family and friend weddings where I served as official photographer, only one has failed (so far).
One could argue that the photographer is not really a part of the proceedings, doesn’t appear on the program, or some other lame attempt to make me look just as harmful to matrimony as my wife.
I don’t mean to make a joke of divorce. Enough movies and TV shows have done that for me.
It’s just a good thing for us that neither of us performed at our own wedding.
* According to sources cited at Divorce Statistics.
*LOL* Only you would make charts like this…. that’s great Mark!
Have a great weekend bud..
I am convinced that graphs and charts add about 50% more quality to any and all blog posts. Which is not meant to imply a lack of quality in this post or, indeed, any other post of yours that didn’t have graphs or charts. I just think they rock. (I’m a very visual guy.)
Of course, I think the attribution of any blame at all to your and/or Shannon’s participation in a marriage and its potential downfall is total bupkis. And I never use the term ‘bupkis’ lightly. In fact, I think it’s the first time I’ve ever used it in a comment here on your site. That’s how seriously I take it.
I also like how your graphs aren’t coloured like the default Microsoft Excel charts. That’s refreshing.
The only thing missing from this report is a Six Sigma Process Improvement Plan. Maybe you covered that by inviting your remaining unwed family members to not have you sing at their wedding, maybe just dance. BTW, I had no idea you could sing, but I will totally buy that Ben is probably one of the luckiest children on the planet when it comes to animated bedtime story reading.
Hurray for graphs!!! I’m glad Moonshot and I got married before we knew you well enough to have you involved in any way with our wedding. I mean..bupkis or not, why tempt fate, eh?
I’ve only performed in one wedding, as minister for our friends Taltap and Elsa. They’r still going strong and expecting their first child in about 6 months or so. But it’s a young marriage, so I can’t claim to much just yet (but I’ve got high hopes for their staying power)
I’ve just been asked by my cousin Steph to perfrom her wedding in September. So, Reverend Gren adds to his statistical analysis. Expect graphs :)
Also, I head that Texas should expect record high temperatures today. Following on the heels of record snows. Could someone please get some Prozac for Mother Nature? Her mood swings are killing me this year.
OK, I totally cannot believe that you graphed this Mark! Hilarious! When I start shotting weddings I can do charts as well! :)
I hope you and Shannon have a good weekend.
*shooting* weddings….sorry!
For all in the blog, Mark and Shannon have known me for nearly 16 years. I went to college with them in Arkansas. In June, I am getting married to my fiancee here in Arkansas. I live back here in Arkansas. This is my first time–and plan-to-be only time–to get married.
Mark, my fiancee and I are settling for prerecorded music. Although you may not be family in regards to next-of-kin, I am risk adverse when it comes to odds. If the CD machine breaks, do not volunteer to sing. :) Of course, I am limited on how many folks that I can invite, and I do not know yet exactly how many folks are actually going to be there even if folks get invited.
LOL!
I hate to do that, but this topic strikes me funny since I am getting married three months to the day that you posted that article!
J.P.
By the way, I recognize those graphs being made with Excel. Too funny. :)
Dave - Only I would… but so would Simon and Moksha, if they had the right topic.
Simon - This lended itself well to visual aids. I figured maybe everybody could imagine me in front of a room, mouse remote control in my hand. I forgot my laser pointer, so I have to lean into the projected image (breaking one of the cardinal rules of presenting) to point out certain parts of the graphs. The light paints letters and colored bars across my svelte form and I squint. Really shouldn’t have forgot that laser pointer.
As far a “bupkis” goes? I love that word. I’m between you and Moksha (stop it) when it comes to belief in the curse, but it’s always fun to pretend.
Josh - I’ve never heard of this Six Sigma Process Improvement Program. Is that top secret?
Benjamin seems to enjoy bedtime reading immensely, but whether it’s the stories or the dramatic re-enactments that make him look forward to each page, I couldn’t say. But, if it isn’t the funny voices and emphatic expressions, it isn’t for a lack of trying.
Moksha - I didn’t think about your ministerial duties when I wrote this. That was very cool, and I hope those two (and those upcoming) make it to forever together.
The weather down here has been insane. Thursday we hit a high of about 75. One week before that, we had 3-4″ of snow on the ground (and all snow but unrecognizable lumps of snowmen remains had thawed by the end of the day it fell).
Anna - That’s okay, I just thought you meant that you were going to do shots at the wedding and then graph it. Fun!
But, in all seriousness (what’s that?), enjoy and don’t stress out about the wedding photography. It’s only one chance to get it right. That’s all.
John - Cool coincidence. Glad you two still are on track for the wedding. Sounds like you will make each other very happy. Of course, we would love to make the trip for the ceremony if we make the guest list.
Oh man, I wish I could do a visual presentation right now. I’ve never gone through the Six Sigma process improvement thingie myself, but I do know some of what it’s about.
Statistically speaking (from the perspective of mathematics), six sigma stands for the six standard deviations away from the average score on your typical looking bell curve. Three standard deviations to the right, and three to the left. In this way, six sigma covers the entire range of possibilities (except for the EXTREME on either side) for process variables. Thus the name of the program.
Laser pointers are KEWL!!
Interesting post.
I could graph mine, but it would just be for playing guitar behind you and Shannon, and it would be 100% so far for mom and dad on the re-marriage. So I got that going for me…which is nice. The same would be true for drinking too many beers and “trying” to play later that night at the reception…not one of my crowning musical moments.
It is hilarious that Six Sigma was suggested, because the SECOND I saw all of your graphs, that was the FIRST thing I thought of.
I’m a Six Sigma Green belt, and at one point with GE I had actually started my last project which would have made me a Black Belt.
It would be hilarious to apply Six Sigma to this. You could probably do several different goals, but I think the one that would be the most fun would be to try to prove statistically that there was some common thread with the divorced couples in terms of their reason for divorce with the weddings you both sang, vs. the reason for the divorces at the weddings where only Shannon sang.
Then do a “fishbone” identifying all possible causes such as: Money, Infidelity, Occupational concerns, etc. Then you could send a survey to the participants, or do it over the phone.
I do have a good GE Six Sigma story. We did a project to try to prevent “late adds” to orders, which were costing GE Medical Systems hundreds of thousands of dollars nationally, because we would have to eat the cost of the “forgotten” items at the last second. Well…we did some surveying etc., and initially our team was convinced that it would be the result of sales rep experience. We ran the data, and rep experience showed no statistical correlation. So, we did some phone surveys. Through that, we learned that there was one project manager (the on-site install coordinator) who had actually created his own “project checklist” that he want through with each customer immediately following GE getting the order. Lo and behold, his region’s reps showed a statistically significant difference in the amount of “late adds,” which made their “post order” costs MUCH lower than the rest of the country.
From there, we surveyed different participants from the sales and install teams, and came up with a company-wide checklist. That checklist saved the company a TON of money, and guess what my four other team members and I got for it?
Yep…you guessed it, nada. I did get a call as a result, which was an effort to try to recruit me to the Black Belt team, and work on Six Sigma full time. I would rather hang myself.