Sep 10 2007
My Wife is a Screamer
When I find myself alone in the house for an evening, I immediately consider renting movies I can’t watch with my wife around. While viewing these movies, I always keep one hand free.
For the popcorn.
You see, my wife is not a fan of scary movies. Whether it’s labeled “thriller,” or “horror,” generally she’s out. Her constitution simply cannot take the suspense of the former, nor the gore of the latter. In a humorous context, like when Pulp Fiction’s Vincent Vega shoots Marvin in the face, she usually can handle it if it’s brief. Neither of us is crazy about gratuitous guts and blood in any genre, but she’s much more sensitive than I.
This is one of the tragic twists that comes with being married to my wife. One of the very few, truth be told, and probably the least important. On the occasion that we view a movie that turns out to be more “thrilling” than we suspected, she reacts vocally and cannot sit still, vaulting my enjoyment level to new heights.
I had rented three movies that night and, with various and somewhat exciting delays (more on that later), I didn’t get to watch them all before Shannon got home.
All this combined to make Saturday night a rare treat for me.
I carefully strapped Ben into his car seat as Shannon’s friend, Psyche, pulled up in our driveway to retrieve her for an evening with friends. In my pocket, neatly folded and written on flowery shopping list paper, was a list of three movies I wanted to rent that night.
- The Grudge
- The Descent
- The Village
- The guy who replaced me in my old job recently recommended it.
- The original movie poster was one of the coolest I’ve seen, and my brother said the flick was pretty good. At least I think it was my brother.
- I had heard mixed reviews, but haven’t been disappointed by M. Night Shyamalan yet (before you judge me, please keep in mind I have not seen Lady in the Water.)
Ben safely delivered to his grammy’s outstretched arms, I headed to Hollywood Video.
I couldn’t find The Village in the Horror section, so I checked the New Releases shelves that line the store’s inner walls. Sometimes stores keep movies in this section far longer than shame should allow.
No dice. But, while cruising the perimeter, I noticed Disturbia, which another real in-the-flesh person had recommended and that critics as a whole said was good. I grabbed a widescreen box and headed for the counter. An employee dashed over from his chat with an attractive co-worker.
“I couldn’t find The Village in ‘Horror.’ Where would it be?” I said.
“Oh, that would be in ‘Drama,’” he said.
Hmm…
He led me to it and then to the other two on my list. When he grabbed The Descent he said, “You’ll want this one.”
I saw “Widescreen” spelled out across the top of the box and wondered how he knew I preferred that format. Then I noticed that the box bragged that it was the director’s uncut version.
Not being a glutton for gore, I said, “Oh, uncut. Um, what’s that gonna do to me?”
He casually said, “Oh, nothing. Probably just more blood.”
After asking how much each rental would set me back, I decided The Grudge sounded a lot like The Ring (another I recently viewed for the first time), and set it back on the shelf.
Back in the parking lot, I pulled out the phone book we keep in Homer and looked up the number for the newly-opened On the Border between the store and our house. “That will be about 10 minutes,” the nice lady said after she took my order.
I arrived at the restaurant six minutes later and waited patiently for a few more. I noticed that from each server’s right shoulder (sometimes left) hung an LCD monitor with a credit card swiper and proprietary keyboard. Now that’s using technology to create a better experience for the worker and the customer. Points for On the Border.
I got my food and barely kept myself from squealing the tires out of the parking lot. I couldn’t wait. Chicken chimichanga, black beans, scary movies, and turn it up as loud as I want. What could be better? Before you answer that, no I do not like margaritas. Or beer.
The Village was very good, and then came this HUGE plot hole. At least I think that is what one would call it. Still, the rest of it was good enough (most notably Joaquin Phoenix and Bryce Dallas Howard) that I wished I would have saved it to watch with Shannon. She loved The Sixth Sense, and compared to it, this movie was very light on both gore and jumpy scares, but delivered at least two good twists.
Here I took a break to vacuum the entire house. It needed to be done and I had promised to do it the night before. While I worked, my Creative Zen Nano Plus pumped G-Love through my Koss Fireplug noise-canceling earbuds. Perfect while using the noisiest vacuum cleaner in the known universe. In the spirit of name-dropping, it is a Hoover Soft and Light Supreme, which sounds like a new menu item at Taco Bell.
British horror flick The Descent was genuinely frightening and only once did I have to use my foot to block my view of a particularly gruesome part. Hey, there’s a reason I never showed interest in a surgical career; as a rule, I don’t want to see things that are supposed to stay inside the skin.
Okay, twice. Gah.
The claustrophobic camera work and the lighting made this one much scarier than The Cave, an American film covering similar subject matter in a much less effective and affecting manner.
Fewer than five minutes into Disturbia, something disturbing happened. It let me know that the movie, when it got to the meat of the plot’s action, was not going to pussyfoot around.
Shannon walked in the door in the middle of the tense opening scene. She commented how “lovely” my movie was, and turned on the kitchen light and her laptop on the kitchen island, thereby throwing a distracting glare onto the TV screen.
I paused the DVD and asked how her night went. She said it was great.
Then she turned off the kitchen light, sat down next to me, and got sucked into the movie.
It was the single most enjoyable movie viewing experience I’ve had in years. During the most intense part (it was long), Shannon literally sat on the edge of the couch cushion and shrieked every time the filmmakers hoped she would. She talked to the characters, trying to convince them that their course of action was unwise. When they didn’t listen, she got more agitated.
I admit, with characters who make as many poor decisions as those people did, it would be hard for fans of any genre not to voice their incredulity. But, still. I’ve never seen a more perfect reaction to a thriller.
“This is so intense,” she said at least five times.
I smiled at inopportune moments, unable to keep myself from enjoying watching her watching the movie. It was a show within a show. A couple times, I laughed out loud.
Through all this, I managed to suspend disbelief and get caught up in the on-screen action. Although more than a bit derivative (think Hitchcock’s Rear Window), Disturbia is a well-acted, well-directed film. Just overlook the preposterous behavior (even for teens) and you could enjoy it, too. Shia LaBeouf will be a big star.
Thanks to my wife, a night I expected to spend completely alone became a great memory rather than a footnote, for a completely different reason than we husbands usually hope.
…than we husbands usually hope? What are you implying? I don’t get it.
:)
Me, I got no problem with gore. (Physical problem, that is. My moral fibre sometimes gets stretched.) I could probably watch open-heart surgery while downing a plate of spaghetti and meat balls. So I guess Shan wouldn’t take too kindly to much of the first Kill Bill movie, eh? Have you seen that one? The Bride versus the entire Crazy 88 gang was, uh, killer!
I also liked The Village, but I’m not too sure what massive plot holes you’re talking about. Would be curious for you to spill the beans on that — in an email if you don’t want to be spoilerific here. (And I’ve never seen Lady in the Water either… don’t really intend too.) And now I’ll have to see Disturbia. Sort of been meaning to, and I really liked Shia Leboeuf in Transformers. Did you know he’s cued up as Indy’s sidekick in the fourth Jones movie? You probably did. Fun!
A night at home, alone, with movies and your choice of unhealthy commestibles is truly an experience to be savoured. But I betcha our vacuum could give yours a run for the decibel award.
Shannon’s friend “Psyche?” Now that’s funny! Love the nickname!
Simon - Spraying blood, as in 300 or Kill Bill isn’t a problem for me. Somebody’s tibia sticking out is.
We’ve already exchanged our ideas on the plot holes in The Village, so I won’t spoil it here.
I had heard about Shia’s part in the new Indy movie. Pretty cool.
Lan - At first I was going to call her “Madame L,” or something about that boring. Then I thought of that other and had to use it.
She’s actually Dr. L, ya know? But I love the name you came up with for her. I wonder what she’ll think!
Nice blog title, babe. Gotta keep the guys on their toes, huh? Oh, well, I don’t mind if you do it at my expense.
Heh… yeah, that title had me wondering. Nice story, though, from the bachelor-night anticipation (which for me would have included a nice Negra Modelo) to the unexpected ending.
Related ludicrous anecdote: we saw Ratatouille with a couple of our friends, one of which… well, I’m guessing Shannon wouldn’t have screamed FIVE TIMES during that film, right?
BTW, Mark, I don’t know if you get into gaming much, but I’m having a Halo-fest at my place on Friday night. Yell via Gmail if you’re interested.
I’m glad you constructed this post. I’ve been meaning to see a few horror flicks myself. Just like Shannon, Amanda doesn’t care for being scared at all, and if something jumps out…she’s done. Now I’ve got a few to put on the radar.
I was the one who recommended “The Descent.” I actually saw “Cave” later, and I didn’t think it was nearly as good. It’s strange how those movies seem to come in twos. “Deep Impact,” “Armageddon,”…. and then the series of natural disaster movies that came out all very close to one another. I figure there are probably moles in the studios who manage to get the word out and ride the other concept’s ideas.
I’m going to have to check out “Disturbia.” Was “The Village” not a good one? I’m usually a little bothered by plot holes, but if it is generally good other than that, I’m in.
We watched “Inside Man” recently with Denzel. That’s a pretty good example of a movie that annoyed me. I really liked the general concept, but it was as if they started with the ending, and then later tried to piece together a series of details to get to that point. The problem was that the plot details were borderline silly, and then when the ending came I was scratching my head thinking..”What a waste of a really cool idea.”
PD keeps going on about Disturbia, I think he wants me to watch it. He still laughs about my reaction to the Grudge and that was ages ago. He makes that horrid noise! Ahhhhhh… I remember liking the Village alot. There was something about it that I thought was hokey but I can’t remember what.
The best part of watching scary movies is hearing yourself shriek in sounds you didn’t know you had!
Shan - Oh, yeah! I forgot the Dr. part.
I would never let you down as far as using you for a laugh. I mean, sure, I could use Ben, but he’s just a defenseless kid.
sheik - I think you have my reply by now. Looking forward to it.
We saw Ratatouille and we all liked it. Well, Shannon didn’t like it as much as 1) I did, nor 2) she thought she would. Ben got pretty bored once his popcorn ran out.
Somebody screamed from fright while watching that movie? Now that’s funny.
Charles - I thought you were the one. The Village definitely was good. Not quite as good as a couple of his earlier films, but neither are most other movies. Inside Man… I missed the first 20 or 30 minutes, but the rest seemed pretty good. I caught it late one night on my recent California trip. I understand what you mean about some of the plot points being silly.
Linda - Oh, then you certainly should give PD his wish and see Disturbia. It’s worth it, for sure. They updated enough of it (especially through some cool use of electronic gadgets) that it’s not a total copy of Rear Window.
I might still watch The Grudge one of these days.
Wow, does anybody think it’s pretentious the way I always make sure to italicize the movie titles? I just do it because it’s correct.
Incidently, I’m the one liking scary movies and boyfriend’s the one avoiding them. Mind, I’m the one getting jumpy (and in the case of Sixth Sense, carrying nightmares around a while), while he just plain doesn’t care for the genre. I have to ration them, though, because of nightmares and jumpiness, but if I happen across one, I seem to go into fascination mode and then I have to watch it to the end, if only to see the ending and exorcise the scary part out.
I really liked ‘The Village’ - I won’t boast to have foreseen the plot point I think you’re refering to, quite, but the thought did cross my mind at some point during the movie, in a “wouldn’t it be sort of cool if…” And it was, to my own opinion.
I didn’t see the American Grudge, but I saw part of the (japanese?) original Grudge movie. Both very scary and very funny. Actually, I think it was that more scary because the special effects were so so awful - just a big black blur in the middle of the screen…. brrr! It was oddly scarier than a 5 thousand dollar winamp-plugin look-alike.
Shia sounds like a girl’s name, doesn’t it? And “LaBeouf” doesn’t exist in French, but “Le Boeuf” (the beef or the ox) and “La Bouffe” (food) do. Odd mix, that one.
Oh, the Village was SO romantic in some way. That scene where (Bryce Dallas Howard?) holds out her hand to the night waiting? aww…
Émilie B - Shannon usually ends up enjoying a suspenseful movie once she finally watches one, but doesn’t go looking for them.
As far as movie viewing in general, I just feel lucky she cried at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Because I would have felt pretty dumb being the only one with a couple tears running down his face. If that movie doesn’t move a person, then they’re not truly alive.
Shannon quickly corrected me when I said LaBeouf’s name wrong. Apparently it’s pronounced “luh buff.”
The Village was romantic, and the particular part you mentioned moved me, too, but a part of me was thinking, “She’s stupid for doing that.” The moment as they leave the dance was better, to me. I won’t get too specific because my wife hasn’t seen it yet.
I haven’t seen the other 2 movies, but The Village I thought, was great.
Everything M Night makes, I love… though I too haven’t seen his latest work.