Apr 23 2007
Paths
I overheard a dad talking to his son on the phone. I couldn’t hear the son’s end of the conversation, but I can imagine. Here’s what I heard…
The dad: Well, it isn’t going to get easier. I took 18 hours, sometimes 21 hours each semester, and I made it through.
Pause.
The dad: No, I didn’t work.
The tone of the conversation softened a bit at that point.
This got me thinking about paths in life. We all take a different path, yet our ultimate destination is the same — death.
Okay, let’s dial it back a few notches on the depressometer.
Before that whole not breathing thing, there’s adult life. Based on just a snapshot of any neighborhood, with folks of similar income and their 1.5 kids (or is it 2.5?), you have no idea of the path each took to get there. That’s one beautiful part of living in a free country.
I was fortunate enough to complete college on the four year plan without paying for a penny of it myself. I guess I should give myself a little credit, as I did endure at least one summer of courses while waiting tables.
I could have avoided summer study had I not started my freshman year as a pre-dental major. Once I had Zoology under my belt, I had to take Botany to complete my biology component. It seems there was some reason I couldn’t just take General Biology, but it escapes me.
So did Botany.
I garnered a “C” in that microscope-driven catastrophe. Apparently I should have spent a LOT more time in the lab learning to recognize more than just one specimen of any given cell.
Zoology came much more naturally to me, thanks in large part to my lifelong friend C’s presence in the same class. He and I pushed each other and often scored tops on the exams as a result.
Oh yeah. Paths.
That friend lived with his mother during college and for several years after, gradually building a career in a field that often requires a bit of the “starving artist” routine. He was (and is) one of the smartest people I know and, although he had his own problems, functioned just fine in the real world and has lived on his own for many years.
Me? I got married, finished earning my English degree and then struggled in an unrewarding job by day and helped my wife clean office buildings at night.
Then I re-discovered my love for making computers do things. Laid in seventh grade at the beginning of the Apple IIe’s heyday, like a 13-year cicada my computer bug stayed underground, to emerge and leave behind only a hint of its former self.
It wavered, however, when a cicada killer wasp called journalism came threatening. It escaped relatively unscathed.
Now, C and I are happy people doing professional work. Besides attending the same schools from age 5 through 23, our paths couldn’t have been much different.
On a third path were many of our friends, who worked very hard at menial jobs during college just to pay for school, rent, and food. Most in this camp plodded along to a six- or seven-year undergraduate degree due to their nearly full-time workload.
I’m sure some resented me and others of my ilk. If they did, they were polite enough never to say it. I never felt bad about it, and still don’t. My parents were able to provide me the path of least resistance to an education, and for that I’ll be forever grateful.
The minute I announced I was getting married the summer after my junior year, I was summarily booted off my path.
“You know this means you’re on your own,” Dad said.
He meant exactly that. After my fourth year of college, the Bank of Dad officially closed.
Our few years in dumpy rental units and two years in a trailer park putting creditors on hold notwithstanding, we made it just fine. We never took government assistance and never had bad credit. Did we bounce a few checks accidentally? Eh, could be. That’s the deepest cut, because we were charged a fee when it was clear we didn’t have enough money in the first place. Our otherwise impeccable record meant the bank saved us from the merchants’ vengeful clutches.
We’re doing our best to ensure Ben has the same opportunities I had, and we’ll help him learn from our mistakes. I’m not sure the latter does much good before the child reaches age 25 or so, but it’s worth a shot.
Paths. We all have them, and regardless of our start, ultimately we all must navigate them on our own.
That sounds like a nice path to be on. Too bad I had to take the one that was rocky and pitted and strewn with debris that felled me more than once.
I’m curious why your dad cut you off because you were getting married. Did he not want you to get married? Did he not approve of Shan?
Either way… my path takes so many zig-zags.. it makes me dizzy just thinking about it!
Your bleak opening made me think of this. Thanks for cheering up my morning ;)
My own path has been a bit meandering, I suppose. But straight lines are boring. As long as you like where you are, it’s fun to sit back and say, “how did I get here?” Which makes me realize that you’ve been in a rather reflective mood of late, Mark. Several of your recent posts have been dealing with that question. Any particular reason?
Dave - I’ve been thinking about this whole “you’re cut off” thing since I read this post this morning. It’s an interesting line Mark’s Dad drew in the sand…but I think more reasonable that the line my Mom’s Dad drew: 18 and on your own. There’s a certain logic to, “I support my family. What? You’re ready to start your own family? That’s fine, but now it’s your job to support that family.” Not saying it’s how I’ll do it…but bouncing a few checks probably didn’t hurt Mark and Shannon in the long run.
I remember having the conversation with my classmates in university about who appreciated their education more: the folks who paid their own way (mostly from necessity) or those who had all or most of the financial burden carried for them. I was of the first sort and observed that students who took an airy approach to their studies most frequently weren’t paying for them. That is certainly NOT a hard and fast rule.
Plus, we’re already saving for our boys’ future educations so they can get out of university (if that’s what they choose) with a smaller debt load. To further the myth that I’m the Canadian version of you, a good part of one of my last years in university was spent cleaning an office building two nights a week with my then-girlfriend.
Uncanny.
The path I took to get my degree was circuitous and lengthy. Nine years, whoa… It warrants a story of its own some day.
When I was in school I was often jealous of those who didn’t have to work. Of course, I hated it when people with no jobs complained about the lack of time to study. If they only knew…
My attitude has changed and as much as I think that people should experience the ‘real world,’ I hope that my sons can go to college without having to work.
No, Mark, I have not been harboring a deep seated resentment against you for not having to work during college/university. :)
Jay - Oh, it’s had its bumpy spots. I gave the condensed version. Based on what little I’ve read of your history, however, I know who’s autobiography would sell more copies.
Dave - I think that was Dad’s plan regardless of whether or not I got married. He has reiterated several times at family gatherings that they planned for us to have four years of college, and after that we were on our own. The family loved Shannon from the start, but admittedly they didn’t have much time to get to know her. We dated only three months before we got engaged, and were married three months after that.
Moksha - I like that strip!
I think you nailed my dad’s thinking right on the head. Very good assessment. You got some kind of sixth sense or something? Must be all those veggies you eat.
Simon - Makes total sense. The “nontraditional” students at my school were much more focused and generally scored higher than the rest of us. In English, anyway. In math and science, they had a bit more trouble, probably because when they went to high school, they only went to algebra or so and Physics was a watered-down class called Physical Science.
You cleaned as part of a couple team? Cool. We answered an ad (not “a nad”) looking for husband-wife teams.
Alvis - You were one of those who inspired part of this post. I had forgot you took nine years, though. Whook. That’s a bunch.
But, look what you have now!! Me just a few miles down the road!
My parents had no way to help. I paid my own way for my associate and bachelor’s degrees, the company picked up my graduate degree. All my closest friends had their college paid for but it didn’t really bother me.
I planned and saved so my kids would be able to go to college and concentrate on just their studies. My son, who graduates in May, wanted to skip out and move in with his girlfriend of six months.
Grandma got out some Monopoly money and played the “How in the hell will you live on a Kroger office assistant’s paycheck” game.
There went my new boat. Thanks Mom!
Mark, I don’t remember it quite that way. I remember dad always saying that he would do what he could to help if we chose to further our education, such as medical, dental, or law school. There wasn’t a committment to covering it by any means, but I always felt like there was a willingness to help when he could.
But he was clear on us working toward being on our own. I remember him joking about our HS graduation present being luggage, but the best I can remember, that’s precisely what it was!!
I learned alot when I worked at the Health Club selling memberships and working as a personal trainer during college. I paid for three semesters of college, my room and board, and pretty much everything for close to 2 years. But, it also slowed me down from getting out and I had to go to summer school two different summers to catch up on hours. Even with that, I was on the 9 semester plan. And…it was apparent that my education was going to be important, because I was working about as hard as I could and the money wasn’t exactly college degree level. I did manage to make what averaged out to about 22K a year (not bad back then), which didn’t help dad’s tax situation at all with regard to dependency. Ooops.
So I sort of learned from both sides of the fence while I was there. What I do know is that I hope that I’m able to at least have the means to pay for LC’s college, with the hope that he finds a scholarship opportunity along the way. I shudder at the thought of what it will cost for our kids to get an education if it’s all out of pocket. Retirement? What’s that?
Blitz - So you were going to blow the kid’s college fund on a boat?
Cool!
Charles - Of course Dad is a softie at heart and probably would have helped if we needed it, but either at Christmas or at Easter he said again that college was as far as he was supporting us. He did lend us some money (which we started paying back immediately on a monthly schedule) that first time I had to pay tuition myself when I went back for more hours beyond my degree.
You did kick some tail in your jobs early on.
Future education costs will be huge.
You got laid in seventh grade???
Wow that even rhymes. You do everything so poetically correct… and yes, they’re screwing with my medication again.
;-)
La La - No, I didn’t get laid in seventh grade. I knew when I re-read this post that somebody might think of that sentence that way. Ha!