Nov 23 2006
The Most Important Job I’ll Ever Have
Being a good parent is about being there. Being a father is not a state of being. It’s an activity. It’s a verb, not a noun.
– Michael Kimmel, author, The Gendered Society
Any father who strives to be a good dad should see the truth in this quote.
I try to make sure I’m a big part of Ben’s life. I usually see him before I leave for work, and he greets me at the door when I get home. And I used to think having a dog greet me was a great feeling. Seeing him run in place trying to contain his excitement as he smiles up at me is priceless. “Daddy, do you want to come in my room and play?” is his usual greeting.
Sometimes he’s been a real handful for Shannon, and I’m like a relief pitcher. I get the bonus of giving her an hour to unwind while I hang out with Ben. We play in his room, or outside if there’s enough daylight left. We all have dinner and then either Ben entertains himself while Shannon and I talk, or we play together. A little before eight o’clock, Monday-Thursday nights, I give Ben his bath and read his bedtime stories before tucking him in.
In the 24 hours between sunrises, Monday-Friday, I spend about 2.5 with Ben. Somehow that doesn’t seem like enough, yet I know it’s more than many fathers get. Some don’t even get to see their kid everyday. Now that I’ve grown so accustomed to it, I’m not sure how well I would adjust to anything else.
Although on particularly rough days I long for the days of coming home to absolutely no responsibility, I can’t remember what I did before we had Ben. I know that for a while I went straight to the computer, because it caused some problems between Shannon and me. Now I just tell her that had I not done that, I wouldn’t have learned enough to earn more than a meager wage.
For the most part, though, the answer is simple: we watched a lot more TV before we had Ben.
On weekends, I get up with Ben each morning and typically let his mommy sleep at least another hour or two. I’ve known since I married her that she needs more sleep than I do, and I feel sleeping in wastes my weekend time. Sure, it’s nice occasionally when she volunteers to take a Saturday or Sunday, but there’s no substitute for “morning Ben.” At that time of day he’s more focused and calm than when I get home after a long day, as am I. Plus, I usually get to rock him in the recliner for about 20 or 30 minutes, a luxury I know I should appreciate while I can. There’s really nothing like holding him and knowing that he needs me.
Then, while shifting his weight to my other side, he says, “I yuv you so much, Daddy.”
That’s when I know that, despite all my worry about discipline and being a good role model for my son, I’m doing something right.
Wonderful post, Mark. The routine you’ve struck sound pretty close to our household. I’m the morning parent and the spell Moonshot off for a few hours parent and the play with Norah while Moonshot teaches piano on Monday and Wednesday evenings. I know I’m more engaged with my daughter than many fathers, but still feel that those 8 hours a day spent at work are beginning to mean I know her just a bit less than Moonshot does. Sad…but since she needs to eat, probably necessary.
Keep up the good work with Ben, it seems to be paying off so far.
I can so very well relate, of course. This morning Dex woke up crying (which he rarely does) at 6.30 as I was getting ready to leave. I think the dog disturbed him. I got him snuggled into the couch and warned him that I had to go soon. As I pulled out of the driveway his little body appeared in the living room window with a hand raised, waving. I hated leaving.
Moksha - Yeah, that whole eating thing gets annoying. I think we’re both doing a pretty good job of balancing work and family.
Simon - I know what you mean. I have fond memories of Ben’s little face in a tall window facing our carport back in Arkansas. I drove away from that face more times than I wanted to.
Aw, you guys are making me cry! Leaving Juju’s today was tugging at the old heartstrings, big time. It’s just so wrong that the kiddies are little for such a short time and we miss so many precious moments with them. I am thankful that I was a stay-at-home-Mom when my kids were small and I still wish I could do it all over again. I would savor every possible second. I love that you guys are all aware of how necessary it is to spend time with the babes. It really is what life is all about.
Linda - I hope you get to see that youngling a lot. I admit, though, when I see “spend time with the babes,” I don’t think of young children. And, frankly, with my definition of “babes,” that’s a good thing.
Yeah, I suppose I could could collectively refer to Norah and Moonshot as “the babes.” But I think I’d get a dirty look from my wife.
Why is it you’ns always gotta have your minds in the gutter??? ;-)
Excellent post…. almost like the routine we had when our kids were born.