Sep 19 2006
Grasping at a Straw
Our latest challenge with Ben is a sensitive subject. In public, it becomes obvious to everyone looking our way, and even to those who only catch us out of the corner of their eyes.
We can be heard saying various things to stop him. None sound particularly tasteful, and some are downright graphic. We try our best to stay discreet while getting across our message, because this behavior needs to stop.
Funny thing is, we have photographic proof that we can show at his wedding reception.
I’m referring, of course, to the crotch grab. I don’t mean that he reaches down occasionally to “check his stuff,” or “re-position the package.” No, he reaches down and grabs onto it as if he’s afraid somebody will try to take it away. Sometimes it’s a downright deathgrip.
At home, one of us will say, “Ben, let go of your penis,” or “Ben let go of your pee-pee.” In public, it’s abbreviated to “Ben, let go,” or “Ben, leave it alone.” None of these is fun to say, let alone within earshot of someone who has never spent time around boys.
The inevitable question onlookers ask is, “Does your little boy need to pee?”
We assure them that he just “went” and that he tends to grab himself. We’re not bad parents who never take their kid potty. We’re just the proud parents of a little kid who believes Redd Foxx’s quote, “If I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had nothing to play with.” I guess we should be thankful he doesn’t clutch his crotch yelling desperately, breathlessly, “Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I’m coming to join you honey!” Because, out of its intended context, that line can take on a completely different meaning.
Ben immediately takes his hand away when we tell him to, but before we can blink, he’s grabbing again.
This started the day we switched him from diapers to underwear. We’re very thankful that he made the transition and never looked back. Now if only he could let go of his dingus for more than a few seconds at a stretch (ouch!), we’d be a little happier about his progress.
I suggested to Shannon that we sew in Ben’s pants a small switch similar to the “squeeze me” stuffed dolls, but instead of making his penis talk (although that would be neat) it would give Ben a little shock. Not enough to hurt him, mind you. Just a little jolt, similar to a dog’s collar in an invisible fencing system. If it caused a nosebleed the first time, we’ve back off the juice a little bit. We’re not heartless.
We’ve looked at Ben’s penis. Besides wondering again whether a woman was the best choice to perform his circumcision, we notice nothing unusual about the little pecker. It isn’t red or swollen, and it pees only on Ben’s command — no sleep-time accidents or urgent midnight cries for us to take him to the potty.
Our recent trip to have his portrait made was the most embarrassing to date, because in addition to our usual concerns, it quickly becomes the photographer’s problem, too. Then the other customers in the portrait studio, which features an open floorplan, tend to look at what we keep telling that little boy to stop doing.
A few times when we told him to let go, the photographer said, “That’s okay, I’m getting close-ups right now.” While we appreciated his effort, it wasn’t exactly the message we were trying to send to Ben. You do what you can.
So, if anybody has had this problem or knows someone who has, feel free to share the solution. I’ve read lots of Internet posts that say it’s perfectly normal, but they all refer to boys who are in the bathtub or otherwise disrobed. This seems to be the only time Ben does not have his hand down there. I have found nothing about when they’re fully clothed and in public.
I don’t even want to begin to know the freaks who will find this through a Google search (you knew it may soon be illegal to use Google as a verb, right?).
UPDATE: Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
*ROTFL* Oh that’s a great pic bud….
You could always tell him if he keeps grabbing it, it’ll fall off! *LOL*
Funny too, he’s not “rubbing it”, he’s got it in ‘The Claw!’
Funny kid…… *L*
I am laughing so hard I just snorted.
The kid has aspirations of being a professional baseball player, is all. Wait until he starts cussin’ and spittin’.
I cannot wait to hear what Simon has to say aboot this…
Thanks for the :-D
Now, what exactly is your plan of action when he finds this entry at around age 13?
Dave - No, I think it’s just some habit he developed after leaving the snug fit of a diaper.
Linda - That’s it. Professional baseball player. Now I know where to guide his athletic aspirations.
JuJuBee - This is a very good question I’ve asked my wife in the past. I’ve wondered, “How long do I keep writing about my son in ways that might embarrass him?” That’s pretty much the answer. When he and his peers are old enough to understand this, and it might be uncomfortable for him, I’ll probably stop. I’m willing to remove posts like this, too, to avoid the obvious things like some kid printing it out and putting it on Ben’s locker, or projecting it at a school assembly. Like I said about the shock training, we’re not heartless.
Just like one should never post while drunk, one should never post in a groggy, sleep-deprived haze.
This morning when I leaned to hug and kiss Ben goodbye, I said, “That’s my little boy.”
He replied, “I’m not a little boy, I’m a big boy. I’m going to school.”
Ah, the independence of a three-year-old.
When I saw this post again, I wondered whether I was using him as a comic prop. Then, JuJuBee’s comment tipped the scales. The story, I’ll leave (for now, anyway), but I just didn’t feel right about the photo. Besides, one of the marks of good writing is its ability to stand on its own without visual aids. Sorry if that renders any of your comments a bit confusing.
It again raised the question of how long I should keep writing about Ben. I considered asking for his consent once he’s old enough, and I may still use that approach. I’ll just “take it like it comes — one day at a time. (naaaa, na-na naaaa).” Ugh. ’70’s sitcom reference. Sorry.
Didn’t get here in time for the pic, but that’s okay; I’m living it at home. Not in public so much yet, but Dex is quite entranced by his own unit and if he’s sitting down for any length of time it’s a fair bet you know what he’s up to.
And I have no solution for you. It’s a perfectly healthy inquisitiveness, of course, and I don’t think to be discouraged outright, but there’s a time and a place for penis investigation. (My mother is fond of recounting that on the floor in the middle of a clothing rack in a department store is not that place.)
Sincerest apologies, Mark. Based on your update re: pirates, my comment should have read:
************
Yer a filthy landlubber for takin’ down the picture o’ yer pud-pullin’ progeny! Good thing fer you that me own byblow is more acquainted with ‘is own peg leg than a lousy deckhand is with every whore in port.
And yer a daft fool to contemplate thar bein’ a solution to the predicament of phallic graspin’. You’d be better served to try’n remove my good left hook from off’n my wrist as ta take a wee boy’s wee from out ‘is hand. Me own deid mum use’ta regale the rest o’ the brothel with tales o’ the time she found me in the crowsnest with naught but a dirty wool sock and a gold coin stamped with the queen’s head, if you know what I mean.
Yar!
(PS — me mum’s not really deid.)
Simon - At least somebody took part. Thanks.
By the way, the boy doesn’t pull it. He just pretty much walks around all the time with one hand on it. Walking from swing to sandbox — hand on it. Stepping out of sandbox — hand on it. You get the picture. Oh, speaking of which, you did get the picture, and so will everybody else in my next post, but without the cloud of Ben’s imagination over it.
You think YOU write about your kid a lot?
Didn’t I send you to http://www.ironycentral.com ???
Now that guy, is going to pay a lot of therapy sessions if his daughter ever reads his writings! *LOL*
Dave - I’ve checked that out before. His little girl could have issues when she grows up.
Hopefully our kiddos will be raised in such a manner that they will appreciate their dear Mother and Father’s humor and not take it too seriously! Well, I certainly hope so for my sake. Otherwise, I’ve got a ton to delete in the next 10 years ;)
JuJuBee - I’m sure they will. Thanks for reading, and stick around. I like the “TEN THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY TO PEOPLE YOU KNOW BUT YOU NEVER WILL” that you posted.
I’d love to give you some sage advice, but since we’ve been at it a month less than you guys, I don’t have any.
I guess you could always put him back in diapers? :-) Maybe his boys just need a home that’s more snug. Carter’s makes some softer cotton underwear that stretches more too, and that might be a place to start.
Feel free to share any advice you may have regarding getting LC to poo in the potty while you’re at it. We’ve tried everything, and he just insists on doing that in a diaper, or even less desirable, taking off the diaper and dropping carpet bombs. Just yesterday he did that, and proceeded to come out of his room naked bragging that he put his poo in the potty. We were thrilled…only to learn that he poo’d in the floor, and then got tissue and carried it to the potty himself.
We have no idea why he won’t go in the potty. He just doesn’t want those poops to get away from him I guess.
All of the books say don’t ridicule him, and that strong willed children are usually the last to be trained to go #2 properly. So…we’ve tried heart to heart talks, praise, rewards, and everything we can think of. Now when we try to talk about it…he changes the subject.
Charles (because, really, who’s that Chuck guy, anyway?) - I think it’s the snugness. It would be like me going from briefs to boxers - flippin’ and floppin’ all over the place. Mainly floppin’, though, because flippin’ connotes smallness.
Man, I have no advice on the LC pooping thing. I think this comment thread’s near the end of its lifespan, or else someone else might have had some wisdom. At least a few readers have grown children (but maybe so grown that they don’t remember!).
Ben still freaks out a little bit when he needs to go poop, and does the run-pace, but it’s not as long and drawn out (the pacing, not the poop — it’s always been unbelievably wide and stinky).
Consider me sticked. Or stuck, or sticking around.
If he decides that he wants to be a pop star, it looks like he is well on his way to practicing one of his dance moves. :)
I do not remember ever doing this sudden grabbing onto that part. I do recall of a couple of situations were my underwear would get caught that it would feel strange.