Regular Life

I have heard women accuse men of being nothing more than large boys. Certainly, both men and women possess some undesirable qualities easily attributed to mental and/or emotional immaturity. As a man, however, I cannot and most certainly should not speak to the female side of this topic. As the father of a boy, neither can I make any informed comments about girls.

Now that I’m a father (oh, great, here comes the expert), I’ve spent lots of time around one boy in particular, and quite a bit around others his age. Based on that, I must say that boys possess qualities that would make most men better people.

Boys can play without competing (this is not meant to include the very different concept of sharing toys). Granted, not all men are competitive, but rarely can I say, “Let’s play catch,” or “Let’s walk down the street,” without another man making it into some sort of contest. I’m all for healthy competition on occasion, because there’s nothing like a human opponent to sharpen skills such as hand-to-eye coordination and quick decision-making (do I pass to that guy, or take the shot?). Part of the problem with merely playing catch is that it frees up the mind for another pursuit that makes most men I know cringe in fear — conversation. Competition, however, occupies the body and mind while keeping words to a minimum.

Personally, I could shoot a basketball into a hoop for half a day without ever caring whether another person and I can make the same shots from the same spots. I can challenge myself, thanks. Tell me about your hometown. I want to know how you became who you are, not how I can beat you.

When I do choose to oppose you, however, I want to win. Though I never would intentionally hurt you, someone might lose an eye, because these elbows flail. Except when playing a board game, when they tend to stay on the table. In either case, I will celebrate my success, but I will not rub your nose in it. Much.

But, Mark, all this sounds like a bunch of hooey from a guy who never wins anything. You really ought to grow a pair. That’s fine. Call me a chicken, if you want. Anyone who thinks that way is too stupid and inconsiderate for me to care.

Boys can show genuine compassion without trying to “fix” things. In this category, I succumb to the male tendency toward action. Do something, right? Unless someone is on fire, bleeding, or overtly displays some other symptom of impending death, then no, that’s not right. I do not have a personal example of this, because our son’s reactions thus far lean toward learned responses. When one of us sighs or says, “Oh, no,” he immediately assumes a soft, compassionate voice and says, “What’s the matter?” The unheard continuation of that train of thought is either, “Tell me all about it,” or “Tell me so I can fix it.” Time will tell where his tendency lies.

Consider this example, from my page-a-day calendar called “Dads.”

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia helped judge a contest to find the most caring child. A four-year-old boy won the contest. The little boy’s neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed on his lap, and just sat there. Later, the boy’s parents asked him, ‘What did you say to our neighbor?’ Their son replied, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry.’

Obviously, a grown man would not sit in an octogenerian’s lap (although in certain circumstances that could be hilarious). The point here is the silent compassion. How many men would walk up to that same crying widower and hold his hand or throw an arm over his shoulder?

Boys can hug a woman without either interpreting it as something sexual, fearing that it might be interpreted as sexual, or feeling “girly” (the latter usually moreso when a man is the recipient). Some of these, most obviously the last two, involve social conditioning. As to the first? In my past there were times I wished I could just turn the damn thing off. In my older age, I probably will wish I never said that. (Note: if you struggle with any of the above at family reunions, then you need help).

What makes men lose these qualities as they shed their boyhood like so much dead skin?

I don’t want to get bogged down in a gender discussion. Plenty of books have been written on that topic. I just know that hormones are powerful chemicals at work on our brains, and without personally experiencing both, one has little hope of understanding the opposite sex’s thought process. Likewise, each male and female has his or her own levels of each hormone. Revel in the fact that we have the intelligence to recognize it and, with great effort, control it.

And don’t call me a girl just because I want to talk about it.

No Doughnuts This Weekend

I know some of you will be disappointed, but I did not go to a doughnut shop this weekend. I took a sabbatical from my quest for a white creme-filled doughnut. I know for a fact that Krispy Kreme has them, but the nearest KK is about 15 miles from us. I refuse to believe I have to go that far for my lady’s favorite doughnut.

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