Regular Life

I’m about to give birth. I think I’ll name him Rocky. Sandy? Or there’s the more obvious yet less mainstream Stone.

I’m talking kidney Stone here. Never had one before now. I have feared them for the past year, since one co-worker had a bad bout with them and another had a small attack. I certainly am averse to pain, but it’s mainly the unpredictability of it.

If only it could be like a visit to the dentist:

“Now, this is going to hurt a bit. Okay?”

“Ah kah. Ah gegee. Ah. Ah! Gaaaaaaaaaaa!” Translation: Okay. I’m ready. Ow, sweet mother of all that’s holy! That hurts! Hold me!

“All done. See? Wasn’t so bad, was it? Suction.”

“Uh? Ak ick?” (What? That’s it?)

No, it won’t go down that way. I have a ticking time bomb inside my kidney. It soon will grow tired of having its way with that perfectly innocent tissue, and then will grind its way through my ureter to my bladder. Nobody wants that. I won’t even mention the third leg of the journey. (third leg? ha, I kill me)

As I signed in at the doctor’s office, I saw two Mac computers at the front desk. I noticed more Macs throughout as a nurse escorted me to the scales, and thought it odd to see so many of them in the healthcare industry. Although curious, I resisted comment as she weighed me.

Further into the bowels of the clinic, I noticed each exam room had its own Mac, too. I couldn’t help myself.

“So, I notice you have a lot of Macintosh computers here,” I said.

“Yes, the Dr. is a Mac person. It’s kind of funny since we moved to this new system, because now when I go home to my regular computer, I can’t remember how to do things.”

Her “regular” computer. I found that funny. That means Macs are either extraordinary or substandard. I couldn’t quite tell, but something in her voice told me that she liked her home PC better. Macs are perfectly desirable computers for most uses, but the only businesses in which they typically hold much market share are publishing and graphic design.

The new system required the nurse to type in my symptoms as I recounted each occurrence, making the clinic visit even more impersonal than the HMO’s already do. In the past the nurse held a clipboard and faced me as she asked what was wrong. (I say “she” because every clinic nurse I’ve seen has been female. So were the physician’s assistants.) The data was computerized later, I’m sure, but now they’ve just decided to skip that last step. As a result, patients get to stare at the walls and the health professional’s back. Or backside, if that’s your thing.

I made it through this weekend, but next week, or the next, I may be screaming, or just mildly wincing. Nobody can tell me for sure.

You heard that William Shatner sold his kidney stone recently to benefit charity, right?

Here are some pictures of various kidney stones. Some are quite colorful, but the shapes make them look awfully sharp. Hold me!

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